Saturday / October 24 / 2015
Awaken to find you have wings
For nearly three decades, I allowed the untapped emotional terrain held captive in my soul to corrode my self-worth and devalue my survival until I finally discovered the courage and the means to grab it by the throat and embrace Truth. It was 29 years ago today, October 24, 2015, the car I was driving crashed into a tree at 100+ miles per hour and burst into flames. The accident claimed the young lives of two dearly cherished friends, Dan and Tina and forever altered the lives of our intimate community and the three who survived.
In 2011, I processed the pain of tragedy and forcibly shed the heavy yoke of self-imposed teenage guilt I’d carried for 25 years. Tears flush and fuel the soul if you let them, right? So raw. So cleansing. Liberating. The metamorphosis of my self-forgiveness took ages to achieve and I wasn’t done yet. I still longed for the impossible, to unshackle my soul from the pain and anguish of that day. To dig deep and find peace. It seemed unimaginable.
The gift of that peace came on December 10, 2014 when I sought EMDR Therapy with my counselor Lynn in upstate New York. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences, that once took years to make a difference. Following is the journey I took that day…
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It wasn’t difficult to trek back to Friday, October 24, 1986, as I’d been there many times. It was a brightly lit, crisp fall afternoon in the Adirondack Mountains of upstate New York. When Lynn asked, the first word that came to my mind without effort was “irresponsible”. I felt irresponsible for establishing such a playful environment in my car, for not having better control. She asked what I associated it with and without missing a beat, I said, “pain”; the physical pain I endure every day as a result of being on fire and breaking my hip and the emotional toll of death and suffering.
With eyes closed, I could see a reddish-orange light in the form of a bubble. I heard laughter and sensed joy and innocence. A warmth surrounded me and grew stronger as my field of vision tightened. When it abruptly shrank to a mere dot and made a ‘pop’ sound like a child blowing bubble gum, I felt panicked and scared. It came too quickly and I wasn’t ready. I knew what was coming around the next bend and didn’t want it to happen. So, I simply willed the vision back and it returned.
Once a little more settled, I allowed the bubble to move away from me into blackness. The dark was expansive, limitless yet did not hold the stars I expected. I could still hear laughter but it was fading, too. I knew the accident was only moments away and with sudden depth of understanding, recognized I had only delayed the inevitable when I willed the vision back. I had interfered. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and even though I did not want to, I began to accept it. The longer it took to accept, the more I began to take on the role of an observer of what happened that fateful day.
Now, I could be in the car just seconds before the crash. I was like a fly on the wall, distinctly present, sitting in the back seat of the car. Everything came in to focus. I was an observer. NOT the driver. I could even see me behind the wheel. I could see the back of my head and watch the interactions. Aside from my own fear, terror, panic, frozen feelings — the ones I had felt for nearly 30 years when vividly reliving the moments just before the crash — following is what I experienced and witnessed as an observer in the Buick Skylark that day:
Laughter
Love
Joy
Sense of Elation
Adoration & Respect
Friendship
Innocence
Carefree Spirits
Warmth
Purity
Then, abrupt pitch blackness. I could still feel the expanse but the imagery was gone.
Sound was muted, as if standing in a field of fresh-fallen snow. So pure. Untouched. Unscathed by the aftermath. I could hear only my breathing and when I strained to listen, the laughter. Somewhere far away in the distance.
The word… what was it? I searched to find it. “Freedom”. “Liberation”. Yes, but how do I contain it. How do I describe how it feels to be in that car at that moment. Love, purity, friendship, giggling.
Innocence.
That’s the word. “Innocent”. It applies to every one in that car. It applies to me.
“I am innocent,” I whisper it aloud for the first time ever, daring to embrace Truth. I look Lynn square in the eye and try to say it out loud. “I am innocent,” but the words are muffled through my tears of liberation. I’ve never felt this way before. I clear my throat, not wanting to miss a moment while I attempt to regain my long gone composure. “Innocent,” I pronounce. “I am innocent.”
I close my eyes again. White. The blackness is gone. The expanse has become the most breathtaking shade of white. So pure. So beautiful. Honest. I can see no figures but with perfect clarity know Dan and Tina are there, smiling and shaking their heads at me with a look of, “……FINALLY!! She gets it.” I can almost feel Tina flick me on the forehead to further make her point and I can’t help but smile.
Right then, I realize I hear the laughter again. I feel it. It’s distinct, profound and radiant. With acceptance and understanding, I realize the laughter, love, joy, purity, innocence and peace that everyone else felt in the car that day….. never died. Dan and Tina are still in that beautiful moment I’d just experienced for the very first time. They lived there. They died there. It’s where they’ve been all along.
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Now, I can breathe, throwing my arms around true liberation and peace. Something I never dreamt I’d find.
Just a week ago, the sky played host to several monarch butterflies. As I watched them soar higher than I knew they could, some wilding flapping their new wings, some simply surfing the air with confidence, I could feel their liberation. I could feel them smiling. How magnificent it must be to see the world from a snail’s pace on the earth only to awaken to find you have wings. How many can say they’ve seen life from such vastly diverse perspectives? And then it hit me. I have. And I am forever grateful.
It’s time to embrace your wings, sweet friends. Come, soar with me.
Beautiful…
You are beautiful and amazing and I’m so unimaginably proud of you. You are fierce and strong and most of all, my favorite…BAD ASS. xoxo
Donna, what a beautiful and moving testament. You are a very special young woman who has a wonderful outlook on life.. I love you, Aunt Fran.
Love this, love you. Love your innocence, your vulnerability, your life, Donna ☺️
I hope the light that finally shone to reveal the peals of laughter never leaves you. I cannot fathom your pain, but I celebrate your exhale here and wish you more.
Beautiful…thank you for sharing. God bless.
Donna,
How beautiful your story is, I am glad you have found peace! You deserve it! I remember how strong you were then, and even remember you coming to visit me after my accident! You ate am amazing person 🙂
I am speechless by your ability to describe the agonizing journey in your mind and I am in awe by the power of your indomitable spirit that rose like a Phoenix from the ashes. Your heart became stronger like steel tempered by fire. You are an inner rockstar!
I too was in an agonizing crash with a lifelong world of struggles and a brother who’s never been the same. Maybe I too should discover how to release the demons!!! Thanks Donna for sharing this! XOXOXODeb your Sista
EMDR is definitely intriguing. Will find out who does this in Florida. Any suggestions for the search? Where did you go? Would love to sour with wings…instead of being weighed down by the sorrows.
Love you SISTAH!!!!!!! XOXOXODeb
Donna, my heart is filled with such joy for you as I read what you wrote. I am grateful that the Lord used EMDR to bring you freedom and peace. I have seen that effect many times using EMDR in my private practice since 2012. You are such an amazing inspiration to others!
Donna: Joy fills my heart as I read it now fills yours again. You are an inspiration to me and so many others. We all have our stuff. It’s how we respond, bounce back. You’re doing it magnificently. Love you. Nod
Dear Donna,
I’m so flag you found the peace you deserve. With love always, Karen
Found- silly fingers not wanting to cooperate 🙂
Donna, I don’t know how to express in words how touching the article is. You are a wonderful and amazing person and you have come a long way. You are here to help others in there journeys, so keep up the good work.
What an amazing excerpt. What raw emotion you shared Donna. You are wonderful. I have known you for almost 4 years and I would’ve never known the pain you endure(d) on a daily basis. I love you my friend. Thank you for sharing such a real, emotional experience.
You are beautiful and amazing, roomie. Your strength is inspiring. May you continue to build on your new found discoveries and soar high my love.
We almost lost you, in more ways than one. Why things happen and the full ramifications of events is beyond our understanding. All we can do is choose to love and become fully realized as God means for us to be in all circumstances. Thank you for choosing life, for choosing love, for choosing to let Him heal and use you! He carried all your pain and guilt, forgiving you long ago; now that you’ve fully embraced that forgiveness, may you continue to share that hope with others. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). LOVE YOU , L’IL CUZ!
You are always such a joy to be around, such a stream of light in a room. Now I understand how. Thank you for sharing this Donna. If you were able to emerge from the cloud of such heart wrenching pain, then others (myself included) can get through whatever struggles we are facing.
Donna, my heart is full for you! Finally, you heart is free to reap what you have sown in so many.. You can live the pure joy that you are. You are God’s masterpiece! And I miss you xo!
I’m so glad that you’ve found peace, I agree with all the beautiful sentiments above, you deserve peace, happiness and joy. What you came to see through the therapy is so true. Keep that peace, love and joy know that this was truth and you are free. I love you my friend.
Your post left me shaking… for real. deep and profound – I remember; & in a strange twist my family’s shop in Luzerne burned down in Oct 86 & I was breathing nasty stuff trying to battle it. Takes time to process these things. I sought help a few years later myself and was changed by the experience for the better. Way better. Gotta tell you, I had completely forgotten about your own trials back then until you posted. Within a few words, the whole thing flooded back… Thank you for awakening and sharing that incredible post, Donna.
I remember it well Donna. We were all so young. That day truly changed our whole community. It opened our eyes to the fact that tragedy can happen to anyone anytime. I remember walking through life as if it was a dream. It truly was an accident.
I am so happy to see how well you are doing. It’s so nice to see your smile here on fb. To see how you spend your life making a difference. So many of us don’t know God’s true purpose of our lives. Your purpose is evident. God bless you.
Donna you never cease to amaze me. Every time I look at your picture on FB I smile. You bring sunshine to so many and I thank you for sharing. I am so glad to have met you. You are an inspiration to me and many.
Hi, Donna. I’ve always known you and I have some things in common. I also drove a Buick Skylark (green) in 1986 pushing three digit speed with friends laughing and whooping it up right along with me. I drove so fast I couldn’t even see the flashing lights behind me in the distance. The police couldn’t keep up. They found me, though. They drove slowly past the driveway, saw the car, then backed up and pulled in. We thought they were there for someone else living in the house who was always getting into trouble and were surprised when they asked who had been driving the car. The only difference between our two very different outcomes is that I got lucky. Any guilt you have felt should just as well belong to me along with everyone else who has ever been a teenager and pushed the limits. It’s a rare teenager who hasn’t.
Donna, I read this last night before going to bed. Not a good idea-couldn’t sleep. I remember 10/24/86 like it was just yesterday which is really something since I can’t remember where my glasses are. Asking forgiveness from God is easy-we ask, he forgives. Forgiving ourselves, not so much. When we lived through that horrible tragedy, one of the most profound elements for our family was that Tracy decided not to go with you after the field hockey game. Why God blessed us and not others can never be answered on this earth. It seems we are all connected, much like a spider’s web. The silken strands spread further daily. I learned about your post because two friends on facebook liked it. Back in 1986 there was no facebook or internet or social media; now we can be connected instantly all over the planet. I never heard of the therapy that helped you find your breakthrough moment. I suspect you were just finally ready for forgiveness and were willing to face the pain once again. I wish you the best as you move forward. A better version of you is a great undertaking.
You are an amazing writer, Donna. I am so glad you are feeling more at peace than ever before. Love you!
I am so absolutely floored by the beauty and love of this blog. I am rendered speechless and you know that is something. I just don’t have smart enough words to speak to the amazing. we all love you