Monday / September 05 / 2011
Dealing with depression: a personal story
News of social media guru Trey Pennington’s suicide spread rampantly across social media channels last night, forcing me – and thousands of others – to look squarely at dealing with depression. And for me, it’s personal…
I Have Depression, Too.
Most people assume because I’m upbeat, expressive, friendly, and outgoing that I couldn’t possibly suffer with such an illness. But I do. I first noticed my symptoms of depression about four years ago, but it wasn’t until late last year I was left with no choice but to deal with them.
I was not myself. It all felt so foreign. Not only was I sad to the point of frequent sobbing, exhausted to the point I could lay down anytime, anywhere and sleep for hours without ever feeling rested — but too, I had grown completely apathetic.
Depression was like kryptonite to my usual ‘handle-whatever-comes-my-way’ ability and they battled each other fiercely. I needed help. And with the loving guidance and encouragement of my husband, I sought it.
Professional life-shifter (love that title) Bridget Pilloud penned a very brave post about depression yesterday following the news of Trey’s suicide. That blog post is no longer available online, but she shared the battle of her own depression, the illness that so many deal with, often times in secret. “It’s not something that people need to just get over. It’s not something that people can help.”
I wonder if you realize: 
* 54% of people believe depression is a personal weakness
* 80% of depressed people are not currently having any treatment
* 15% of depressed people will commit suicide
* Depression will be the second largest killer after heart disease by 2020 — and studies show depression is a contributory factor to fatal coronary disease
We need to stop perpetuating the myth that depression is “all in your head” or “only affects the weak”.
I, like Bridget Pilloud, do everything I can to keep my depression under control. The first and most important thing I (finally) did was seek help. Exercise, yoga, prayer, guided relaxation (especially before sleep), walks with my pup, breathing exercises, a healthy diet – along with authentic conversations with my therapist and the right meds – work for me.
I had come to a very good place and my depression was under control. It was like the sun had come out and a new day had dawned. It was truly like I had been reborn. The freedom was exhilarating.
These past few months, however, I’ve become quietly pensive. If you know me at a deep level, you’ve noticed.
I’ve noticed.
Here’s The Sad Truth.
My battle now is with the new anti-depressant medication I’m forced to take because my new health insurance company won’t cover the med that’s proven to WORK GREAT for me. “It’s too expensive” they said with clinical precision – and they don’t see the value in it. I’m left wondering why health insurance administrators yield more power than my physician over decisions so acutely affecting my health and well-being. Why are they empowered to override the recommendation of the licensed physician who knows me so well?
It pains an extrovert who is truly energized by others to once again start avoiding social situations, find excuses to not participate in activities, and be apathetic about reaching out to and sharing life with loved ones. I wrestle with making it better and it’s often a battle I don’t… more aptly, can’t win.
I don’t want to mislead you and make you think I’m on the edge of suicide, because I am not – at all. I do battle with great sadness and apathy, but am one of the fortunate not to be pushed toward suicidal thoughts. And when I’m able to once again balance the chemical piece of all this, I will once again relish the sunshine on my face.
I’m learning more and more about this disease called depression and, well… it’s ugly. Please. Reach out to those you cherish. Listen. Learn about dealing with depression. Care. THANK YOU!
Donna, thank you so much for sharing this. Your story (and maybe Bridget’s moreso) is my story. I suffer from depression and so does my sister. My father’s father committed suicide when my father was a boy. My family never talks about it – like it’s some dirty secret. Many of my family members are in denial or they think that my sister and I will “just have to get over it.” That’s is very frustrating for my sister and me. The two of us have both been suicidal – both been hospitalized – both got therapy and both went through several anti-depressants before finding the right one. I am brutally honest when I say that my son is my reason for living. He is the main reason why I sought treatment and my main reason for pushing through the down times. I am glad that you shared that you take an anti-depressant. I think a lot of people believe that anti-depressants are a weak crutch for a weak condition. I wouldn’t be alive without them. Only someone with depression truly understands how tough it is. I am glad you are my friend and I am right here if you want another shoulder to lean on.
Is there anything that can be done with the insurance? Can your doctor appeal their decision on your behalf? Can you negotiate a price with your insurance for more coverage for that drug?
No question about what you say about depression. I know people who need medication to help them with clinical depression. It can be such a long and difficult road to find the right medication and to think you found what works and the insurance company is dictating what you “need” is so demonstrative of at least one ill of the insurance industry.
Sorry you’re going through this.
-Cath
I have been in treatment for Social Anxiety and Depression for since my 16 year old was 4 (panic attacks started the year my husband was sent to Korea, leaving me at home working full time and with 2 kids). There is such a stigma (still) for any “mental issue”…. I once told my boss that I had anxiety and he said “But you are so confident, and outgoing”… That is one of the major symptoms of anxiety. We feel the need to please and are afraid of failure. I remember thinking I was insane and would never be happy again… A late night infomercial with a woman named Lucinda Basett truely saved my life. I watched and cried finally understanding that I was NOT the only person in the entire world who felt like this.. Who was nervous and sad every minute of every day… and that there was help for this. It had a name and a treatment. I ordered the CD and can say 12 years later, they saved my life!
I now tell everyone who wants to know about my anxiety and all the symptoms that come with it and how I work, on a daily basis to control it so it won’t control me… I applaud your courage and willingness to discuss it.
I cannot begin to thank you for sharing. I, too, suffer from depression. All those times you’ve seen me sing, and I don’t know if you knew. Today is a sad day. When I’m not in performer mode, it’s hard. I just finished a great play with lots of new friends. But the kids are 13 to 32, and I was the one trying to keep them motivated! Right in this moment, I know I need to try to make some new friends that are my age, and maybe I can meet a man that I’m not afraid of. In the meantime, I stay home, watch tv, sew and play games on the computer. I have a cat and she is soothing but … And I pray. My faith is stronger the years since you and Skip moved, but it’s still hard. I left that church and have been trying to attend another. That’s hard, too. The very place I want to feel wanted and it scares me. I spent 6 years at our last church but have not been able to keep but 2 or 3 people on Facebook. Ugh. I’m not suicidal either; I love life. So I just try to deal. This post is very important because I’m admitting I feel sad. Please keep posting.
Oh, I forgot to say the VA gives me Cymbolta, both for the depression and for anxiety from menapause. I would be a LOT worse without the meds. But I’m on this stuff, for life, it seems.
Thanks to all for posting and commenting, without keeping the conversation about mental illness going it won’t receive the attention it deserves. Having watched family members and friends struggle with depression and other issues it is sometimes all too easy to think that someone should just “snap out of it”. Keep advocating with those insurance companies and hopefully someday getting the right meds will be no different than getting the right diabetic supplies.
Love you, Donna. Very raw and personal post… You are so loved and just know that you are a light to so many others in your life every day. So glad to have you in my life!! Keeping you in my prayers that you will feel better soon.
After years of missed diagnosis from all kinds of doctors I finally, on my own, sought out the help I really needed. Hooray! Now I can sleep, At 5PM i leave the office with work on my desk and still relax. I can even hold my own in conversations and talk in front of groups. I still have some anxiety and OCD but it’s like getting my life back
I guess I’m lucky… if you can call it that. A few months ago Blue Cross said I had to switch to a generic in place of the drug that was working fine. I’m lucky in that I never noticed the difference.
Donna, you are one the most magnificent souls on our planet. WOW, what a profound sharing, readers are better for it…..your grace and openness are a kind of healing in-and-of-itself –it is such a gift that you would present such intense, important, intimate, and inspiring (yes, inspiring) observations and experiences.
Also —- incredibly, while channel surfing, I saw a certain Tv ad air, very shortly after I read your newest post. After rubbing down the goosebumps that I felt after noting the amazing “coincidence”, I knew I had to include the following link (below)…..even though it’s an organization/event that’s likely already “old news” to you.
http://www.preventsuicideny.org/Awards_Banquet.html [it’ll be right “here”, in Latham]
your friend,
-‘P’
p.s. folks, one the great “anti-depressants” that pharmacology has not yet learned how to synthesize into a pill, patch, or mist is: the AMAZING sounds of Skip Smaldone and the fantastic musicians he chooses to jam with! IF you see a “prescription” from “Dr. Donna” that Skip is playing (in Glens Falls, or whereEVER) I highly recommend you heed “Dr’s orders” and TAKE that dose of VERY WELL PLAYED music…..you WILL “feel better in the morning” !! 🙂
Well done for putting this post out there. It’s great to see such tremendous support from your readers.
I have to say, I’ve still got a way to go with my disclosure. When you read the stats about how many people experience depression, it doesn’t make much sense that we still feel uncomfortable about being frank about suffering from the condition. But then when you see that 54% of people think it’s a sign of personal weakness, maybe it’s not so surprising.
It probably won’t change until all those affected can be as brave as you Donna.
Donna, Thanks so much for this post. Depression is not “made up.” It is a disease…. and needs treatment just like any other disease. Too many people just want to sweep it under the rug or just say “Suck it up!” (even those who suffer from it). I have suffered bouts of depression, especially after my melanoma dx and surgery… but pushed through with lots of prayer and the strong support of my husband and friends. Ken is my rock and he understands me so well…. he senses my most subtle mood changes and “makes” me talk and hash out my feelings. I am so thankful for him! It is so important to recognize what we are feeling… so we can work toward getting help. And it is important to recognize it in your loved ones. I am always here for you sweet friend!! Love you so much!!
Donna, I don’t know if it’s my place to say this, but I’m proud of you for being so personal, for revealing so much about yourself. If I’ve learned anything about blogging since February 2009, it’s that there’s always a risk in being totally honest, but, with the type of blogs we have, there’s no other way. At the very least, you give a voice to others, and at the most, you show them they are not alone, and you help them in ways you’ll never know. I can’t think of a better reason to put words together and to express yourself.
I would never have have guessed you suffer from depression. You have always come across to me as so upbeat and exciting and fun. Which just goes to show how complex and fragile each and every one of us is.
Thank you so much for sharing. Fortunately, I don’t suffer from depression, but I’ve had other mental illnesses (anxiety attacks and agoraphobia), and I know how tough it is to get them under control and not to let them take over your life. I know for a fact what you wrote here will make a difference. Great job. You are a treasure and don’t forget it.
Donna:
Daring post and subject matter. Clinical depression runs in my family and I suffer from it as well.
Many artists suffer from depression. Keep up the great work.
It’s great to hear your story. I can connect with a lot of what you’ve said here. I was the kind of person that equated depression with some sort of personal weakness (before I’m the one who got depressed). But I still don’t call myself weak. I still feel strong.
I’m totally fed up with insurance companies. I wish American’s set up with more like Europe (taking references with what I learned from the Sicko movie). I bothers me that you’re having to deal with inferior meds. The greed of these insurance companies is replusive to me.